Would you please move your cars?


It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."

The Preachers Paycheck


A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us'.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

One is negative one


Theorem: 1 = -1
Proof:
1 = sqrt(1) = sqrt(-1 * -1) = sqrt(-1) * sqrt(-1) = 1^ = -1

Also one can disprove the axiom that things equal to the same thing are equal to each other.

1 = sqrt(1)
-1 = sqrt(1)
Therefore 1 = -1

As an alternative method for solving:

Theorem: 1 = -1
Proof:
x=1
x^2=x
x^2-1=x-1
(x+1)(x-1)=(x-1)
(x+1)=(x-1)/(x-1)
x+1=1
x=0
0=1
=> 0/0=1/1=1

And how well can *you* play

A man walks into a bar with a large suitcase in one on hand. Tossing it casually up on the bar, he orders a beer.

"What have you got there?" The bartender asks. The man gives him a mean look, opens the suitcase, and pulls out out a tiny replica of a piano. He places it on the bar in front of the bartender. "Well, that's interesting," the bartender says.

"You haven't seen it all." The man snaps, turning back to the suitcase. "Come on, Joe." Out of the suitcase climbs a little man only about a foot tall, who proceeds to sit down at the piano and play several pieces by Chopin flawlessly. The bartender is very much impressed.

"My god!" he says. "Where did you find him??"

"Well, I was walking along the beach one day," the man says, as the little man climbs back into the suitcase, "and I came across this really old bottle. So I opened it up. There was a genie inside, and she gave me one wish."

"And that was your wish?" The bartender asks incredulously, pointing to the piano.

"No," the man said. "The genie had been in that bottle for so long she had become hard of hearing. So I didn't get my real wish. And now, for the rest of my life, I'm stuck with this twelve inch pianist."

Purchasing the shoes

A shoeseller meets a mathematician and complains that he does not know what size shoes to buy. "No problem," says the mathematician, "there is a simple equation for that," and he shows him the Gaussian normal distribution. The shoeseller stares some time at het equation and asks, "What is that symbol?" "That is the Greek letter pi." "What is pi?" "That is the ratio between the circumference and the diameter of a circle." Upon this the shoeseller cries out: "What does a circle have to do with shoes?!"

Like shootin' monkeys in a barrel

(I got this one from my next door neighbor, who got it from his brother...)

Desperate for work, Paul decides to accept a job offer mining deep in Alaska. After a long journey he arrives at the mining camp, 200 miles from civilization. The camp is small, with only a handful of miners. He promptly meets up with the manager, and asks what his duties are.

"Firstly, you work six days of the week, every day except Saturday. Your primary duty is to help clear out the rubble, and dump it into the rock quarry down the road. The work isn't easy, but you will get used to it. Also, you are on KP duty on Friday nights."

Morning comes, and Paul goes to work. The work is hard, but he is strong enough that it isn't a real problem.

However, by the time Thursday comes around, Paul is feeling kind of lonely. With the nearest women 200 miles away, he can't imagine how the other miners endure from day to day. So, he approaches the manager.

"What do you want?" asks the manager.

"Well, the work itself is fine, and I have no complaints about it, but ... well sir, I wonder what the other miners do for women around here?"

"Ah. Say no more. Let me show you something."

The manager leads Paul into the mine, and turns down an unfamiliar passage. He continues on deeper into the mine into older and older tunnels until he finally stops at the end of a tunnel which must be well over a hundred years old. At the end is a barrel.

The manager says: "The other miners use this."

"What?"

"Well, you see that knot hole? Try it out."

Paul is decidedly skeptical about the idea, but he is desperate, so he gives it a shot. He absolutely can't believe the results. He practically busts a nut--the best damned blow job he's ever gotten.

Well, Friday comes around, and the work is getting him down, so he goes back to the barrel to try it again. Wow! This time the blow job is even better than last time. Truly unbelievable!

So, after a long day, and KP duty that night, Paul sleeps in on Saturday. He gets up at 11 and really feels great. He can't think of much to do, so he heads off to visit the barrel. On his way to the mine, he bumps into the manager, who asks him:

"What are you doing here?"

"It's my day off ..."

"Day off? Hell no! It's your turn in the barrel."

Type what I tell you

While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file.

He said it said "File not found".

I told him to do a dir.

I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.

He said, "Well it says autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat."

I said type this in "type autoexec.bat".

Again he got "File not found".

I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed.

He said, "I typed just what you told me: `type autoexecdotbat'.

Microsoft runs the I.R.S.
If Microsoft Ran The IRS

"Government should be run like a business." We've all heard that chestnut. Here is how the Internal Revenue Service (nobody's favorite government agency) would be like, if only it were run like Microsoft Corp. (a successful private enterprise).

-- The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be mailed the week before the new year. However it will follow Microsoft's example and actually ship them the following May.

-- Responding to pressure from some large corporations and a users' group, some early copies of the tax forms will actually be released in March. The recipients must sign non-disclosure agreements.

-- In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS loses a suit for appropriating some other country's intellectual property.

-- When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft sends its product upgrade notices.

-- When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to 1040 A, and then to 1040, you will pay an upgrade fee each time. Also you need to send in a new registration card and get a new Social Security Number. In order to upgrade, you have to submit the original first page of your previous year's form.

-- Like Microsoft, when you file a late or amended tax return the IRS will reject it on the grounds that the the prior year is no longer supported.

-- The IRS telephone help will remain similar to Microsoft's, staffed by ill-trained, high-turnover personnel who sometimes give a correct answer, but the IRS will have to discontinue using a toll-free phone number.

-- After struggling with reams of dense documentation of complex options and rules, you discover that you will need publication 3297, with a ten-word-long title, in order to answer (you hope) a single obscure question. The IRS, like Microsoft, will charge a minimum of $40 for that publication.

-- The IRS, like Microsoft, will continue to issue immense volumes of bug fixes, interpretations, and clarifications. However the tax-rule updates should be neither easily searchable nor well-indexed.

-- Instead of three-ring binders containing complete sets of tax code bugs and interpretations, IRS rulings will be promulgated in a haphazard fashion by individual taxpayers via BBS, Usenet, and Compuserve. A for- profit publishing subsidiary would also be nice.

-- The new all-powerful (and eccentric) Commissioner of Internal Revenue will jet around the country giving speeches and granting numerous interviews, but only to sycophantic reporters. Changes to the tax code will be at the whim of the Commissioner and largely kept secret until they are published.

Unintended consequences


Joe is telling his pal Rick his troubles:

"You know that new girl at work, the one I've been wanting to ask out?" he asks.

"Yeah, what about her?" Rick replies.

"Well, every time I see her, I get an instant erection, and have to turn away to hide it."

"That's rough. Why don't you try taping your dick to your leg ... then it won't show?" Rick suggests.

Joe agrees this is a great idea; Rick even loans him a roll of duct tape.

A few days later, they meet again:

"Well, I called her and asked her out, and she said yes," Joe reports.

"That's great!"

"So I get to her house, walk up to her door, and she answers it wearing a short, sheer dress."

"Great! How'd it go?"

Joe slumps down in his chair. "I kicked her in the face."